What Toxic Relationships Taught Me
12:00:00 PMI'm not a love or relationship expert by any means, but I have been in a few relationships. From those relationships I have learned so much about how relationships should work, what I want from my future relationships, and even more about MYSELF. So far I've been in two serious relationships which I considered to be "toxic". DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A BASH-MY-EX-BOYFRIENDS POST. This is not to speak ill of my past relationships, or to further dwell on what went on within them. This is for all the girls (or guys) out there who have been through a toxic relationship or two and are stuck... just like I was. Stuck because they feel like they lost so much more than they gained from those relationships. Which is 100% false.
So I put together a super short list of the main things toxic relationships have taught/given me.
1. Self Love
This is number one because it is the MOST important. My past relationships taught me how to love MYSELF. When me and my ex-significant others would fight or break up, I would feel like the only person in the world who could ever love me was gone. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Then, one day, I realized that this person doesn't have to be (and isn't) the only person who loves me. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, if that person wasn't going to love me anymore then I was going to love myself. I started to actively do things that made me want to love myself MORE, things that made me happy, INSTEAD of doing those same things for my other half. I may not have learned this until after these relationships were over, but I learned. And I'm so much happier because of it.
2. Higher Standards
Toxic relationships taught me to have higher standards... as in how I expect to be treated. I learned that if a boyfriend could so easily ignore me, or speak ill of me, or call me just to cuss me out on the phone that I should RUN. I deserve a guy who will give love and forgiveness and kindness at ALL TIMES. Ladies, there is NO reason EVER a guy should be able to bring you down. EVER. (and vice versa). Don't allow it. I learned that I wanted and needed a guy who would do sweet things for the sake of making me happy, not because we got into a huge argument and he wanted to make amends through gifts. I learned that sometimes saying "I love you" becomes a routine - and that love should NEVER be that way. We all deserve someone who says "I love you" and puts every ounce of love and emotion they have into the phrase every time they say it.
Toxic relationships taught me to have higher standards... as in how I expect to be treated. I learned that if a boyfriend could so easily ignore me, or speak ill of me, or call me just to cuss me out on the phone that I should RUN. I deserve a guy who will give love and forgiveness and kindness at ALL TIMES. Ladies, there is NO reason EVER a guy should be able to bring you down. EVER. (and vice versa). Don't allow it. I learned that I wanted and needed a guy who would do sweet things for the sake of making me happy, not because we got into a huge argument and he wanted to make amends through gifts. I learned that sometimes saying "I love you" becomes a routine - and that love should NEVER be that way. We all deserve someone who says "I love you" and puts every ounce of love and emotion they have into the phrase every time they say it.
3. Fight For What You Love
This is a sticky subject because I did my fair share of fighting. Fighting against them, fighting for them to stay, ect. SO, if a guy is giving you every reason to give up, do it - give up. Don't fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for. BUT, if this person is a very special circumstance and treats you right, and doesn't give you a reason to second guess them - fight with all you got. Sometimes we get thrown tough situations in life and if we let them, those situations could tear us apart - don't let them. Whether it's because of a long distance relationship, or they're going on a mission, or traveling or whatever else this person (who is great and kind and sweet to you) is going through - don't let insecurities or doubts cause a drift. Fight, fight, fight for them. Always.
Second, toxic relationships taught me how to pick and choose my battles. Some battles aren't worth fighting and some people aren't worth fighting for. A great rule of thumb: only fight for the people you know would fight for you.
This is a sticky subject because I did my fair share of fighting. Fighting against them, fighting for them to stay, ect. SO, if a guy is giving you every reason to give up, do it - give up. Don't fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for. BUT, if this person is a very special circumstance and treats you right, and doesn't give you a reason to second guess them - fight with all you got. Sometimes we get thrown tough situations in life and if we let them, those situations could tear us apart - don't let them. Whether it's because of a long distance relationship, or they're going on a mission, or traveling or whatever else this person (who is great and kind and sweet to you) is going through - don't let insecurities or doubts cause a drift. Fight, fight, fight for them. Always.
Second, toxic relationships taught me how to pick and choose my battles. Some battles aren't worth fighting and some people aren't worth fighting for. A great rule of thumb: only fight for the people you know would fight for you.
4. They're 100/100
Relationships are 100/100, NOT 50/50. Both halves of the relationship should give 100% to the other. The greatest relationships find this balance and don't fret when it sometimes sways a little more one way than the other - they take each other for each other's weaknesses and strengthen them as much as they can. Toxic relationships taught me that it's not just him, it's me too. In NO way can a relationship only be half toxic - chances are, you're both adding as much fuel to the fire as the other. Being in toxic relationships taught me that I am at fault for those toxic relationships - it showed me that I wasn't ready for a happy, loving, relationship because I had my own toxic-zone I needed to clean out. So if you find yourself in one bad relationship after the other - take a break. Cause there was a common factor in all those relationships and as much as you don't want to hear this - it was you. I'm going on three years as a single lady (cue Beyonce music) and I've had time to find my toxic spills and wipe them up. Also, I'm way less stressed out all the time.
Relationships are 100/100, NOT 50/50. Both halves of the relationship should give 100% to the other. The greatest relationships find this balance and don't fret when it sometimes sways a little more one way than the other - they take each other for each other's weaknesses and strengthen them as much as they can. Toxic relationships taught me that it's not just him, it's me too. In NO way can a relationship only be half toxic - chances are, you're both adding as much fuel to the fire as the other. Being in toxic relationships taught me that I am at fault for those toxic relationships - it showed me that I wasn't ready for a happy, loving, relationship because I had my own toxic-zone I needed to clean out. So if you find yourself in one bad relationship after the other - take a break. Cause there was a common factor in all those relationships and as much as you don't want to hear this - it was you. I'm going on three years as a single lady (cue Beyonce music) and I've had time to find my toxic spills and wipe them up. Also, I'm way less stressed out all the time.
5. If He Makes You Cry More Than He Makes You Laugh, RUN.
I think a lot of people in relationships tend to think of bad times just a "phase" and sometimes they truly are; but most times they're there to stay (again, if you let them). So when I started noticing that my relationships were bringing me sadness more than happiness for a MAJORITY of the time - I knew I was in the wrong kind of relationship. So, simply put, take mental note of how you FEEL around your significant other. If they make you feel like you're handling a ticking time bomb and that at any given moment they will explode - run as far away from that bomb as you can. It's normal to be mindful of the person you loves feelings, but don't confuse that with avoiding any kind of communication period because it may or may not end up in an argument. The only time a person should make you cry more than you laugh is when you're crying because of all the laughter. Find someone who you can spend the rest of your life listening to their laughter... and laugh with them.
I think a lot of people in relationships tend to think of bad times just a "phase" and sometimes they truly are; but most times they're there to stay (again, if you let them). So when I started noticing that my relationships were bringing me sadness more than happiness for a MAJORITY of the time - I knew I was in the wrong kind of relationship. So, simply put, take mental note of how you FEEL around your significant other. If they make you feel like you're handling a ticking time bomb and that at any given moment they will explode - run as far away from that bomb as you can. It's normal to be mindful of the person you loves feelings, but don't confuse that with avoiding any kind of communication period because it may or may not end up in an argument. The only time a person should make you cry more than you laugh is when you're crying because of all the laughter. Find someone who you can spend the rest of your life listening to their laughter... and laugh with them.
6. Don't Talk Negatively About Your Significant Other
I'm not sure how men work, but women are all about gossip... ESPECIALLY juicy relationship gossip. It's healthy to have people you can run to and talk to about whats bothering you - I'm not putting that down. BUT, be mindful of what it is you're telling these people. When you trash talk your significant other it puts a very negative look ON your significant other AND yourself. I know from experience that talking to my friends gets me caught up in the moment and I end up exaggerating things and make them seem like a bigger deal than they really were. Talk about whats on your mind, get advice - but don't do so at the cost of your significant other. Don't under ANY circumstances trash talk them, don't put them in a negative light - realize that problems in a relationship are 100% your fault too. (SIDE NOTE: healthy relationships are HEALTHY because two people can handle and address their problems between THEMSELVES. So while we all turn to friends when problems arise, make sure you're also having the same conversation with your significant other. If possible, keep relationship problems WITHIN the relationship. Sometimes third-party input adds more issues.)
I WOULD say that if you have something negative to say about your significant other - say it to their face. But honestly, if you're okay with bringing down your significant other in a childish way (i.e. trash talking) you're contributing to the toxicity of the relationship! Don't do it! Learn how to address issues with your significant other in a CALM and LOVING way. Sometimes we can't help it, we get so angry and words come slipping out - but don't ever aim to HURT your significant other. Don't do things to spite them. Don't try to "one-up" them. Relationships aren't a game, don't treat them like they are because in the end no one wins.
I'm not sure how men work, but women are all about gossip... ESPECIALLY juicy relationship gossip. It's healthy to have people you can run to and talk to about whats bothering you - I'm not putting that down. BUT, be mindful of what it is you're telling these people. When you trash talk your significant other it puts a very negative look ON your significant other AND yourself. I know from experience that talking to my friends gets me caught up in the moment and I end up exaggerating things and make them seem like a bigger deal than they really were. Talk about whats on your mind, get advice - but don't do so at the cost of your significant other. Don't under ANY circumstances trash talk them, don't put them in a negative light - realize that problems in a relationship are 100% your fault too. (SIDE NOTE: healthy relationships are HEALTHY because two people can handle and address their problems between THEMSELVES. So while we all turn to friends when problems arise, make sure you're also having the same conversation with your significant other. If possible, keep relationship problems WITHIN the relationship. Sometimes third-party input adds more issues.)
I WOULD say that if you have something negative to say about your significant other - say it to their face. But honestly, if you're okay with bringing down your significant other in a childish way (i.e. trash talking) you're contributing to the toxicity of the relationship! Don't do it! Learn how to address issues with your significant other in a CALM and LOVING way. Sometimes we can't help it, we get so angry and words come slipping out - but don't ever aim to HURT your significant other. Don't do things to spite them. Don't try to "one-up" them. Relationships aren't a game, don't treat them like they are because in the end no one wins.
7. Strength
The second most important thing I was able to learn from my toxic relationships was strength. I learned that it doesn't make you weak to give up and walk away from something, or someone, who doesn't treasure you. If anything, it makes you the strongest person alive. It takes a lot of strength to walk away from someone who love - but don't let the fact that you love them be the only reason for you to stay. I learned how to stand on my own two feet, and get along just fine without a guy holding my hand. My past relationships taught me that sometimes the only way to fix a toxic relationship is to walk away from it.
And that's what I (mostly) learned from toxic relationships.
This post is kind of centered on toxic relationships as in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships but keep in mind that toxic relationships come in all kinds of shapes and forms! I hope you all learn valuable things from every experience you go through - especially the bad ones. Keep an eye out for the relationships which aren't treating you right, and find the strength to either walk away or push through those hard times together. I hope this post was helpful or eye-opening for you guys! XOXO.
And that's what I (mostly) learned from toxic relationships.
This post is kind of centered on toxic relationships as in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships but keep in mind that toxic relationships come in all kinds of shapes and forms! I hope you all learn valuable things from every experience you go through - especially the bad ones. Keep an eye out for the relationships which aren't treating you right, and find the strength to either walk away or push through those hard times together. I hope this post was helpful or eye-opening for you guys! XOXO.
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